Captain Burks (elisesletter) wrote,
Captain Burks
elisesletter

  • Mood:

Just in time for V-day

Mom said the most offensive thing possible to me yesterday.

When talking about how it was going to be difficult to pay rent for my own place, she let this gem slip out of her mouth:

Why don't you just get a boyfriend to move in with you and help pay the bills?

WHAT?! In hopes of cutting the conversation short, I said, "um, NO." She responded by saying "I know, I know. You don't want one. But you know, sometimes you have to." And she would NOT stop. Eventually, she realized she was saying something that really pissed me off, so she said, "Oh, I'm just kidding! heh.. heheh... heh........... heh........heh" with the type of laugh that someone trails off with when they realize they said something that no one else thinks is funny.

Firstly, there's no way she could have possibly said that thinking I'd be laughing my ass off. To top that off, she said it right AFTER interrogating me about, "Whatever happened to little Jon?!"

"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. SO DON'T FUCKING ASK." So, she stopped asking, right?

"But I'm just curious! Does he still talk to you? Do you think he has a new girlfriend?? What happened?" and on and on and ON.

I always wondered how old I'd be before people started questioning why I was old and unmarried. I guess the answer is rather officially "22." I want to calmly discuss my opinions over these statements, but my blood is boiling from seeing this conversation written down, so... just give me a sec, and let me punch the nearest wall.

**********

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA*@!(*^%# HOEIAHH*#(^%@HHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

**********

You hit a sore spot, mom. You really did. For one, you realized that I was just DUMPED, right? I know you realize this, or else you probably wouldn't have questioned Jon's relationship status. Also, I fucking told you I was dumped, so you should fucking remember. It's also safe to assume that I wouldn't want to talk about the breakup BECAUSE I WASN'T HAPPY ABOUT THE OUTCOME. So WHY is it that you assume the following:

a) that prince charming knocks on my door on a regular basis?

b) that I always blow prince charming off because of my gargantuan, undeserved ego?

and

c) that if I ever choose to not blow prince charming off, he'll actually feel the same way about me?

C is definitely false. I'm one of the only people I know who has never been in a healthy, long-term relationship with anyone in spite of the fact that I've ALWAYS wanted to be in one. From my perspective, the fact that I have so many opportunities at being in relationships that ALL FAIL is more discouraging than being too ugly or introverted to date anyone for years on end.

A is mostly false. Some decent people email me every month and a half or so on myspace, but that's the end of it. I never had too much contact with guys at CCAD no thanks to endless homework and being a fashion major, so I dated all of two CCAD students in my time. I guess that beats the amount of guys from Manual I dated, though. (zero!) And now I work at Abercrombie. For those of you who actually don't know any better, almost every guy there is gay. And I don't really dig "Abercrombie" guys, anyway. So, my options are pretty much limited to the internet. Also, I don't have any friends to go clubbing or partying with or whatever the hell you kids do to meet people nowadays.

B. Seriously. Why do all you people actually think that I'm single because I don't want a boyfriend?! Alright, alright, I realize I blow a lot of people off. Society labels me a bitch for doing so. I fail to see the issue with this. It's not like I'm some pathetic broad who wants a boyfriend/husband at all costs. It's that I know myself well enough to know exactly who I am and who I'm not going to be happy with. Every time I break up with someone, I learn a little more about myself. But why would I intentionally start something with someone if I already know I'm not going to be happy? That's not fair to either party. And the truth is, I'm not going to be happy with just anyone.

Rob (not my roommate; the other Rob) and I spoke about this issue last weekend. He told me I initially attract a lot of guys because I'm intelligent, but I can't keep any of them because my personality simply isn't compatible with many other people. That's probably true, but it's a very generic statement. I'd like to know what it is about me that turns so many people off. But until I figure it out, I'm going to have to accept that I'm too weird to ever find that love thing. I really don't hate myself, but it's really depressing to realize that I'm all I'll ever have.

"Oh, but life comes at you, and sometimes you have to settle!" With women especially, that's depressingly true. If you're a chick, read a fark thread. Unless you have one hell of a chest, it'll be INSTANT depression. After 30, very few men will take any interest in you, after all. I, unfortunately, have been aging like shit, so "middle aged" is right around the corner for me... unless I can afford plastic surgery. And if that's the way it has to be, I need to first spend the money on making my nose less hideous and my boobs more NORMAL before I can even think about getting shit like facelifts. While I'd certainly like to gain ten pounds (which is actually sort of feasible), I don't think I'm totally hideous. But it's really discouraging to hear "you're definitely cute, but you'll NEVER be sexy" from one of your own boyfriends. Somehow, I don't think the whole appearance thing is working out for me. When I can't figure out the exact malfunction with my personality, what else do I have to blame??

Unfortunately, the idea that you have to settle down with someone - anyone! at a particular point in life probably causes all those divorces. So why not do yourself a favor and actually wait for the right person? Is it really finances keeping you people together? And if so, why?? We all need to be able to support ourself, because chances are that you won't be in a comfy marriage forever. Guess what mom, I've thought about this. Why do you think I went to school? Why do you think I'm graduating? I may not WANT to be independent, BUT I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BE. Nearly everyone will eventually HAVE to be. And if I am financially independent and stable, I don't have to limit myself to searching for doctors and lawyers in the dating game. I'll reiterate: If I ever marry a guy, I want to make sure he's the right guy for me, and not just the right guy to support me. I'd rather not be stuck in a miserable, loveless marriage until it finally ends when I'm old and entirely undesirable.

Perhaps it's the outdated concept that all guys have to support their women that's working against me. I'm looking for a best friend, not a crutch! And trust me, it's a little more than slightly condescending when you boys hang around me incessantly making sure I don't fall on my face. Nice? I guess. But it also screams, "awwww, life is just too much for you! let a big, strong man come to the rescue!" Please don't make me vomit. Asskissing is not attractive, either. Respect NEEDS to work both ways. I suppose that was an unnecessary tangent, but it's been something I've been contemplating lately.

In conclusion, I'm pissed off and emotionally insecure. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I'm awesome.
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

  • 7 comments